Growing up queer isn’t easy for so many reasons. But for me, one of the hardest aspects of being a queer kid was being told constantly that I was unattractive. I, like many queer kids, didn’t fit neatly into anybody’s idea of who I should be or what I should look like. I was tall and skinny, but very unathletic. I could never quite figure out my hair- should I try to grow it out like Zac Efron in High School Musical or should I go short? The kids told me I had a big head, so I tried growing it out and ended up looking more like a shaggy dog than like Zac Efron. I had a soprano toned voice and was extremely soft spoken- often chastised by teachers for not speaking loud enough in response to their questions. I also was blessed with extremely long eye lashes, which often won the praise of the girls in my classes but the mocking of the boys. I looked around at the boys around me and it was clear that I didn’t fit in, and in nearly every environment I found myself in, I was explicitly told that I was unattractive, abnormal, or strange looking.
Experiencing this from kindergarten through college really takes a toll on a person- I had come to assume that I was simply the most unattractive individual in the world, and I saw myself as such. I assumed I’d be alone forever, since no one would ever want to date someone like me. And when I did get the interest of another person, I assumed it would be fleeting- once their eyes focused in and they saw what I really looked like, they would run away fast. On top of this all, at around the age of twelve I became a Christian- which one would think would have been a positive development in my life, and in many ways it was, but it also introduced a theology of the body to me that caused me to begin to fear my body and its desires more than I already did. I was entering in to puberty which meant my body began flooding itself with chemicals that sought to be relieved sexually- but I was told that masturbation was wrong, pornography was evil, sex was dangerous, and these desires were not natural but were from Satan- so I began to wage war against my body and it’s desires at the moment that I also began to admire and desire the bodies of others around me.
The tension created by queer body shame and Christian body shame led me on a decade long journey of repression and deeper self-hatred. In college, I struggled to date women (no surprise there!) which was the only acceptable option according to my faith community, but my body didn’t align with conventional standards of what a “biblical man” should look like- my hair got slightly better and my vocal chords magically dropped from soprano to bass , but I was still lanky and unable to gain muscles, despite spending countless hours in our schools gym copying the workouts of the “real men” that surrounded me. In this season, I also started to accept the fact that I was gay, which led me to an even deeper sense of shame around my romantic and sexual desires towards the same sex which had no acceptable outlet, which only compounded my sense of self-loathing and hatred of my body. During this intense season of depression and despair, I began reading the writings of the Puritans who were known for their intense hatred of the body and its desire, calling for the “mortification of the flesh” and seeing sexual desire as potentially damning to the soul. Reading these deeply disturbing writings pushed me further into a commitment to wage a war against my body and it’s desires, which helped me feel deeply self-righteous when I could overcome my urge to lust after a man, but also deepened my sense of self-loathing.
Fast forward about one year later- a series of dramatic life events led me to come out of the closet as gay and to reject so much of the theology that I had inherited that had demonized the body and its desires. And almost immediately after coming out, I was brought into gay spaces (and onto gay apps) where people would tell me that they found me attractive. At first, I brushed these messages and comments off as mere flattery and kindness, but after a hearing this a few times, I began to wonder if up to this point in my life, I had been missing something crucial about how I understood myself and my body- could it be that I wasn’t as unlovable and undesirable as I was made to feel my whole life? I also began to read more about the psychological development of queer folks, diverse theologies of the body, and books about human sexuality and was truly stunned to find that many of the things that my conservative Christian environment had taught me about my body and its desires were untrue and unhealthy, and that there were many other alternative ways to think about and understand the body and sexuality. These two moments- finding folks in the queer community who were attracted to me and rethinking my perspective on the body and sexuality- took place over the course of about two years, and resulted in me experiencing a phenomenon that many queer people experience- a second adolescence.
A Second Adolescence
The idea of the second adolescence is that cisgender, heterosexual young people often go through a period during and after puberty where they discover their bodies, their sexuality, and find peers that affirm their attractiveness, and they go through a period of exploration and “coming into” their embodied self. This sets them up to be more secure and confident when they enter adulthood and begin dating seriously. Most queer youth do not have this experience- whether religious or not, we are often forced to repress our sexuality or gender expression, we’re made to feel marginalized and awkward for who we are, and this often results in body dysmorphia, shame, and deep sexual repression. Queer people often keep these natural, healthy, normal desires for exploring our bodies and our attractions repressed until the point in life where we eventually come out of the closet, which for many does not happen until well after the “normal” time developmentally for such exploration, resulting in a “second adolescence”- a time where queer folks begin to explore their bodies, their attractions, dating, and sexual expression which can look like spending time in queer bars and clubs, serial dating, hooking up, sharing photos of their bodies, and doing things that help us to begin to fully experience our embodied selves for the first time.
Heterosexual culture has often looked on at queer adults in second adolescence and scoffed, chiding us for our “immature behaviors”, our “over sexualization” of ourselves, our focus on exploring and sharing our bodies- and this is intensified when those heterosexual people also have a conservative Christian worldview that teaches them that the body and its desires are dangerous and to be repressed. From this perspective, queer adults look like mere hedonists, “sexual deviants”, engaging in childish behaviors that we should be ashamed of. (I receive messages like this from straight folks almost daily.) What these folks don’t consider is that the queer exploration of our bodies and their desires is something that they had the luxury of doing much earlier in life, which is why this vital developmental step seems “childish” to them. They also fail to consider that their bodies, sexuality, and attractions continue to be affirmed in our culture, while queer bodies and desires are still largely marginalized and stigmatized. So, seeing queer adults exploring, expressing, and celebrating our bodies- whether in a Pride parade, at a queer bar, or posting a thirst trap to Twitter- many seem immature to some, but is largely a result of the repressive, anti-queer culture that these very people have benefited from and perpetuated.
When I came out of the closet, it took me years to begin to change the beliefs I had inherited that taught me to hate myself, my body, and my desires. Frankly, I am still on that journey- one does not undo 25 years of repression and self-loathing in a few years. I have had to do the work to discover different ways of understanding myself, my theology of the body, and my understanding of sexuality. The journey to learn to love myself and my body was not straight and narrow- I had to learn, like we all do, through experimenting and exploring- whether through wearing clothes that pushed me out of my comfort level, having an awkward or embarrassing hookup as I explored my sexuality, experimenting with posting photos of myself in order to work on feeling comfortable with my body, and spending countless hours in conversation with my friends, lovers, therapists, and mentors about our bodies, our desires, and our experiences to try to gain some perspective and understanding about how much unlearning we’ve all had to do related to our bodies and sexuality.
Even as I am still on my own sometimes messy journey of healing, I get countless messages from queer folks around the world looking for guidance as they begin their own journey. Whether it’s the 55 year old gay man who has been married to a woman his whole life but has been provoked to finally explore the true self that has been repressed for his entire life, the queer Christian college student dealing with mountains of shame because they kissed someone of the same-gender, or even the straight pastor who has been inspired by the queer people in her life to begin her own journey towards loving her body, I have become aware that the epidemic of hating our bodies, despising our sexuality, and shaming self-love is intrinsic to so many peoples understanding of modern Christianity, and has caused unimaginable suffering, harm, and shame for thousands of people. Yet there remain very few Christian leaders talking about this publicly and honestly- even queer Christian leaders are fearful to speak openly about their journey of self-discovery, are afraid to live openly in the public eye for fear of backlash from “traditionalists” and feel as if they need to bifurcate their lives in order to live openly.
While I respect this difficult journey and have certainly been in a place where I felt the need to hide who I was, I made a commitment a few years ago to aim to be open and honest about where I am along my journey in hopes that I can find support along the way and help bring others on the journey with me. This means that sometimes, I am the theologian who posts a photo in a speedo on Instagram. Sometimes, I am the pastor who shares openly about relationships and sex in a way that may be unconventional but is always honest. Sometimes, I will be the teacher who messes up along this journey and must admit that I’ve changed my mind or perspective on something related to the body or sex, usually through my own lived experience- that’s part of this terrain. We’re all on a journey and we all should feel free to be honest, authentic, and open as we wrestle with how to live in our bodies more fully and love them well, because from what I can tell, almost no one has this all figured out.
It’s time to destigmatize the human body, embracing it as a gift from God, a part of us that also reflects the image of God, and working to not be ashamed of how we show up as embodied people in the world. It’s time that we do away with any theology that shames the bodily expression, that tells us that our body is an enemy, or that views the body as somehow less than part of our “true self”. You are an embodied human, and your body is unique and beautiful- it’s high time that you learn to live in it well and love it fiercely- amen?
Guiding Principles of Body Positivity
While I am certainly not the expert on body positivity, I am honored to get to share my journey with all of you. As I’ve worked hard to love myself and embrace my body over the past few years, there have been a few key principles that have become the foundation of how I think about my own body that I hope might be helpful to you as you walk on your own journey towards self-love and celebration.
· Your body- in all its uniqueness- is good and worth treasuring.
We often compare our bodies to others- we wish we looked like them, we wish we could change that- but the truth is that there is very little we can do to change how we look and who we are. Instead of comparing your body to others, work to be content with your unique incarnation in the world- making a list of your best features, believing others when they tell you you’re beautiful, and reminding yourself that the way you show up in the world as an embodied person is good, valuable, and worth celebrating and treasuring in whatever way feels most authentic to you. Take care of yourself, spend time loving on your body- you only get one, and it is truly a gift.
· Exploring, expressing, and celebrating your body is not sinful.
Many of us were told to be ashamed of our bodies, to hide our bodies, and certainly to never show off our bodies in any way that might be perceived as “immodest”. The human body is beautiful- it is a work of divine art. That includes your body as well. Do not be afraid to explore your body, to experiment with how you might express it in a way that feels liberating and healing to you, to dress it, pierce it, paint it, tattoo it, and show it off in any way that feels authentic to who you want to be in the world. And as you do, recognize that what feels right and authentic might change over time- don’t be ashamed of who you were or how you showed up at any point in your journey, but also don’t feel constrained- your only job is to be true to yourself and to grow more deeply in love with the body God has blessed you with.
· What is right for others may not be right for you- and that’s okay.
Our job is not to get others to agree with how we think about ourselves or live our embodied reality- our job is simply to ensure that we’re being authentic and aligned with our values, recognizing that everyone has a slightly different set of values and a different definition of what’s comfortable or good for them, especially when it comes to expressing their bodies. Your job is to learn to block out those who would seek to shame you or chastise you for not aligning with their values, while also refusing to pass judgement on anyone else for how they choose to live their embodied existence. The best way to promote body positivity isn’t debating it- it’s living it authentically, healthily, and boldly so that others can see you thriving and will be drawn further along their own journey.
· Learning to love yourself is a messy process- give yourself (and others) grace.
The journey towards loving yourself and embracing your body with joy is bound to be messy- you’re not going to get it right at first, and the only way to know what “right” is for you is to try things out. You might dress a way that you later cringe at, you may post a photo or two that you later decide to take down because it no longer feels authentic, you might go too far to one extreme or another, but none of these things are anything to be ashamed of- we learn through experimenting, and thus, are deserving of grace when we change our minds. We should also extend this grace to others (especially online) who are experimenting and exploring with their own body positivity- there is never a good reason to be rude, judgmental, unkind, or to give a negative review of someone who is doing their best to be authentic and love themselves, even if we don’t find it in alignment with our values or particularly “attractive”. Be gracious and kind to yourself and everyone else.
· Pleasure is a gift from God- embrace it.
The body is capable of immense pleasure- and that pleasure is a gift from God. While our life is meant to be more than just bodily pleasure, perusing bodily pleasure is a good, natural, and healthy thing to do. Yes, I am talking about sexual pleasure, but I am also talking about all the other ways our bodies can feel good as well- whether working out, getting a massage or manicure, buying or making a new outfit that makes us feel like a star, eating a delicious meal- God gave our bodies this tremendous capacity to feel pleasure, and we should not be afraid to incorporate bodily pleasure and relaxation as a regular part of our daily routine. Learning to love on your body and experience its immense capacity for pleasure is one of the quickest paths to cultivating self-love- so make time to experience bodily pleasure, and when you do, maybe take a moment to thank God for the magnificent gift of your body.
· Self-care also means self-discipline- be thoughtful about your body and desires.
Finally, it is important to also remember that life is more than pleasure- hedonism is just a dangerous of a path as repression. While our bodies are beautiful, magnificent, and worth loving, they are also just one part of who we are- which means we must discipline ourselves so that we are not consumed with bodily desire or a focus on our bodies and how we look. We should spend as much time cultivating spiritual depth and intellectual sharpness as we do focused on loving our bodies. We should also not only lean upon our bodies for pleasure, but we should cultivate them for health as well- so watching what we eat, how we move our bodies, and what we put our bodies through is important to maintaining balance and health in our lives. All of this to say- celebrate your body, but still have some boundaries and borders to maintain your health and overall wellness.
Concluding Thoughts
At the end of the day, all of us are on a journey to learn to love ourselves- body, mind, and spirit- more fully. Some folks grew up feeling confident and comfortable in their bodies and developed healthy and authentic expressions of their physical self- but many of us, especially queer folks and Christian folks, did not.
We have work to do to unlearn the toxic, anti-body beliefs we inherited and learn to love ourselves more fully- and this journey will take a lot of time and require a lot of grace. But the good news is that none of us are doing this alone, and I pray we might all commit to working to show up more authentically, boldly, and bravely in every space we encounter, while at the same time being committed to radical encouragement of everyone in our lives that is doing this hard work to love themselves, be themselves, and share themselves with the world.
Because if we all could be a little more loving and encouraging to one another, I believe we will see more authenticity, more healing, and more radical, beautiful, body positivity bursting forth in our world.
Your essay appeared as I sort out these very things in my life. Thanks for helping me realize that my journey is not unique, that discovering who I am is a good goal, even if it is messy at times, and that my body, as it is, is a beautiful creation.
Beautifully and authentically ezpressesd,
Brandon.